When I was nine years old, I understood that music moves me.
That it is music that can carry and protect me in times when no one else does.
Music gave me the chance to let go and shut my mind off for a moment as I started to let it guide me.
Moving freely, unconcerned, filled with joy.
I remember the little me, this little girl named Natalie, who danced with her father as often as she can.
I remember the moments when we tried to re-enact Dirty Dancing lift figures or when I just watched him closing his eyes and letting the music moving through his body.
Previously, I smiled at his movements and found it embarrassing to go dancing with my dad.
Today I would love to watch it again.
It was his soul that expressed itself through his movements.
I felt safe and secure when the music turned on. I felt safe in dangerous moments.
I had found something that would never let me go – It was this thing, called dance.
I remember my mother cleaning the dining room while her favorite song was playing on the radio.
I watched her wide-eyed as she smiled over both cheeks, her hips swung, even though she's always so scared of dancing and letting go in front of others. Afraid of giving up control for a moment.
But when she heard her song, she forgot everything around her and let herself be carried, be surrounded by the melody.
I remember watching videos of dancers all day, fascinated by the movements and the feeling they’ve awaken in me.
When I first saw a dance film in the cinema, the actress bore the name Natalie.
I lost myself from one to the other second in my thoughts, my dreams, my visions.
One day I too will make my own dance film, I will be the main character of my own movie.
I remember the moment when I decided to make my life so exciting and interesting that it would one day have to be filmed.
This feeling still gives me goose bumps today.
The first times I felt stupid.
My mother wanted me to dance and dragged me into a dance school.
I thought I had no talent, no tact, nothing really special.
I thought that everyone else knew what they were doing but I had to look twice to understand how to do it correctly.
I learned very fast and with much joy. I put myself in the front row from the beginning.
Some thought it was selfish, as I never changed places.
On the whole, I did not care what others thought of me.
I just wanted to do my own thing, I wanted to learn to dance and communicate without words because I always had the feeling that no one is listening to me
so I needed to find a different language to break out.
Although I went to school, I started to work, but dancing was always a huge part of me and my life, it wouldn’t let me go.
I wasn’t a good student at all, my grades were always average, my interest in math, history or physics I could never really find - no matter how hard I tried.
When I found pleasure in something, I learned very quickly.
I wrote down everything in detail and was always very diligent.
But I could not keep my motivation up for a long time.
It was so hard for me to sit 8 hours a day listening to what other people wanted to tell me and dictate.
I never really listened to what others demanded of me.
At first I thought that I was not right, not good enough.
Then I understood that school was just not the right place for me to grow up and find my real character.
Due to my environment, school, internet I lost my focus on dancing and gradually got sadder and lost my interest for dance, my energy that always accompanied
me. I carried the belief with me that I was not pretty enough, not slim enough that I would not be enough in general.
I was starving myself down to 38 kilograms. I wanted to be seen. I finally wanted to be heard and respected. I wanted to be understood by
others.
Because of my underweight, I quit compulsively with dancing.
I thought it was over for good. For a year I did not show up in my former home, the dance school, because I was so scared to be judged. I was afraid of
strange looks and rejection.
I tried to separate myself from dancing inwardly.
As much as I tried to focus on other things, so much did my heart and soul understand what they really needed to live a fulfilled life.
I thought that dancing alone wasn’t enough.
My environment made me believe that it would be difficult to survive.
Dancing is just a hobby but not a profession.
Again and again I felt the urge to master other things, to be perfect to be valuable and adorable.
My mind wanted to break away from dancing for safety reasons, but my soul chained to this beautiful yet strange feeling of freedom, ease and
love.
I was so undecided.
I did not know where to go, where my path led me.
I tried harder and harder at school, my diligence gave me better grades, and at the same time it reinforced my deep yearning.
My heart was stronger than my mind. My mind gave me daily suffering and pain.
I did not want to, I could not, I was not allowed to but I had to do it.
I had to start dancing again.
I enrolled in a new dance school just outside my home.
I ran after the belief and the hope that one day if I might be better, I would be able to make my contribution as a dancer to the world as an
inspiration.
Again and again I changed places, groups and dance schools. In search of more moments in which I could free myself from the pressure and burden of my heavy,
negative, stressful thoughts.
I remember every single moment when I was on stage.
The moment when the curtain opened, there is a slight murmur in the audience.
Suddenly the headlights illuminate, the music sounds and you automatically begin to be carried and guided by the music, as on autopilot.
It was like falling into a trance.
You have complete consciousness of what you do, how you move, but after the show, you cannot remember anything.
The only thing left to you is the feeling, the moment you put your control into something bigger and your soul spoke through you.
It's like being consciously unconscious.
It was just that one moment. You're the moment.
You are here and now, in the present.
Not your future or your past. You let go and you create what’s inside you, you create art.
You show your true self, your soul and enjoy the bright light which is a reflection of yourself – you become the light.
You forget what is happening around you and breathe deeply into the feeling of freedom and love that your body has been seeking for so long.
I think that's why I appreciate dancing so much, why it's dancing, what has accompanied me for so long and gives strength, courage - joy.
Thank you.
Bisous et à bientôt!
Natalie
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