Hello my dear,
hope you have a great day?
Let’s start with something really deep, intensive, educational.
Sometimes I really forget where I come from and what I did so far.
I forget to recognize my own success in my early years.
Some of you may know that I suffered from anorexia, some of you may don’t know it yet. Both is absolutely fine.
Why do I want to talk about this topic real quick?
Nowadays, social media just fucks me up in an enormous way. Sometimes haha
Wherever you go, it’s always about tacking selfies, filming everything, showing where you are, what you got, how your body is in this unhealthy but “good” looking shape.
It fucks me up because we’ll lose our social awareness.
How often did you go out with friends, thought you would have great dinner together, but then, suddenly, everyone watches his mobile phone – merely getting their needed attention from the outside.
One day after my 14 bday, I was instructed into a clinic focused on mental illness. It started 2013, I guess. Earlier, I thought it would be about losing some weight, I wanted to look better in the mirror. Always have I watched, no sorry, I stalked ALL of these sexy Instagram chicks. These pictures on the beach, looking like Baywatch, sunbathed, without any pimples. Hopelessly, I searched for only one blemish I’ve never found. Instead, I learned how to criticize and devalue myself. I could make tutorials over it!
I started to eat less and less and someday, I ate quite nothing.
A banana with 3 spoons of oats in the morning, a pear for lunch and an apple for dinner. No wonder that all my beautiful, thick blond hair fall out. I starved myself for so long until my scale shows this number: 38,3 kg.
I looked in the mirror starting to cry.
Not because I was too fat but because I was unhappy although I had this really thin legs, this sixpack I always strived for, these thin arms – everything I’ve wished!
I lost my joy. I lost my sunshine and the light I normally bring with.
I lost all of my friends. I isolate myself.
I lost the contact to my mum, to my lovely brother, to my dad, to my cousins.
With 38kg (height 1,66 m) I was on the lowest point where my body said to me I should better fall asleep, never wake up again, just give myself a rest. I hated myself. I thought about death for so long.
Society mentions that thigh gaps and a sixpack is more important than values such as being nice, being happy, being tolerant, being respectful, doing stuff which we could remember. Being healthy is cool, do not misunderstand my words.
But it’s getting on my nerves that so many people describe their personality, their character through their body
It’s getting on my nerves that I see girls who are SO gorgeous but their habit is to compare themselves with others.
WHAT THE HELL? Why do we have time for that?
We should all go out and laugh and dream, just enjoy our time together.
For me it's hard to talk about my weaknesses because I want to present a good, strong me but people asked me so often why am I not posting any pictures of my body by now
The answer is simple:
I want to be accepted without presenting everyone, every week my body. Acceptance and respect should never be defined by outward appearance. Beauty comes from the inside. No one is u and that is your power. What my message really is? YOU are enough. Just the way you are and if u feel lonely, forgotten, sad - I just want you to know that we all have problems and I'll be there to listen, to support, to write stories we can share. Invest in experiences, not in clothes or make up or fake nails - whatever u think will make u more beautiful. U are wonderful NOW! I guess, without my illness I would have lived for maybe 80 years without really living because my mind focuses on superficial, not important things.
You have this wonderful, breathtaking soul. You are loved.
And If you do not believe in you, remember that I do.
After talking with the most unpleasant man I’ve ever met, I decided to change everything. I decided to quit thinking these terrible, self- destroying thoughts and start building myself up – for myself, by myself.
I think the eyes are the most interesting part you can look at in every human being. Whatever you went through, they’ll always tell you the truth.
They’ll never lie to you. Words or handshakes can do.
So I looked me in the eyes, saw myself crying from the inside, felt all of these terrible feelings I tried to suppress with anorexia, alcohol, cigarettes or weed.
I looked me in the eyes and saw this wounded, sad little girl, wanting to be loved and appreciated by mum, by dad - by others. The only person I forgot on my list was me.
To understand that I first have to love myself took me a really long time.
I wrote so many journals over gratitude, I read so many books about spirituality and self- development and I start to meditate and reflect my own thoughts. I started to work for myself, to work on my mindset because I knew that the only person holding me back was not an idiot trying to tell me I am not good or beautiful enough, it was me.
My success, my joy in life, my results I got everything is based on my mindset and my habits.
What I do every day, what I think about and focus on right now will become my future. Mental becomes real.
I start to look at all these miracles in my life and realized one thing:
I don’t need to be more or have more. To be more beautiful, more fit, more intelligent, more wealthy, more skinny. To have more money, more friends, more love, more joy, more help, more shoes, more clothes, more weed, more alcohol, more cigarettes. The only thing I needed was to remember who I am and who I want to be. I needed to remember that I got everything from the day I was born. I needed to remember that every joint I smoke is just another distraction from the source of my pain. It would not really (!) help me to reach my long term goal, which is not glory, wealth or fame. It’s being happy, being in abundance with my creation, my piece of art – I call life.
We are just spiritual souls having an human experience.
We do not need to hide ourselves, to fake our look, to be someone else, more loud, more quiet, more tough. Show what you got. Let your light shine. Smile without a reason. Give yourself a high-five if you are proud. Allow yourself to celebrate your life. Enlighten the darkness of the others. Give love, as much as you can.
I miss this sincerity, this unaffectedness, this openness in todays society.
Have a great day. Celebrate the fire you carry in your soul.
Much Love,
Natalie
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